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To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: Greetings!

Hello there! This is Susan in accounting. Wanted to let you know that I have volunteered to be the kitchen monitor for the third floor. I thought it would be a great resume builder. Ha, ha! But seriously, I really love working here and wanted to volunteer for something, and I know our kitchen needs a little TLC. From time to time I will be sending out little reminders to clean up after yourself — remember, your mother does not work here! — and the status on kitchen maintenance issues. Who knows, maybe I will go crazy and send some recipes from time to time! Let me know if you have any questions!

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: Labeling Your Food

Hello there! Just wanted to let you know that if you see something in the fridge that has someone’s name on it, you probably shouldn’t take it. For example, I had a chicken salad sandwich taken from the refrigerator today. Maybe someone overlooked the fact that the sandwich baggie was labeled with my name, and that the baggie itself was contained within a lunchbox that also had my name on it. No biggie, because I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds, ha ha! But don’t take food that belongs to others, and be sure to label your food as well. Also, just a side note, there is a strange smell coming from the fridge so if you are the culprit, be sure to remove whatever it is before it bites someone. Ha, ha!

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: Washing Your Dishes

I forgot to say this in my first e-mail, but I will also be reminding people to be sure to wash their dishes when they are done. I brought in some dish soap and sponges from home — no need to thank me, I love working here! — so it should be easy to clean up. Those of you who have instant oatmeal in the morning, you will really want to tend to your bowl right away because nothing is worse than trying to scrub crusted oatmeal. I should know, because I washed such a dish for someone today. Have a good day!

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: Follow up

Not sure if some of you have a spam filter setup that is prohibiting you from getting my e-mails, but let me recap a couple of earlier messages. First of all, labeled food belongs to the person whose name is on the label, and no one else. My lunchbox was completely cleaned out today, and for some strange reason, my lunch was replaced with a dirty oatmeal bowl. I don’t mind swapping lunch with someone, but that hardly seems fair. I’ve also mentioned that there is a strange smell coming from the fridge, and I am sad to report, the smell has gotten stranger. Please, check through the fridge to see if anything in there belongs to you. Thanks!

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: Anyone There?

Well, I know SOMEONE is there because whenever I send out an e-mail letting people know there are doughnuts in the kitchen, everyone responds. I’m not getting a response like that with these e-mails. Once again my lunch was taken, and as much as I love this place, I don’t feel comfortable leaving my food in the fridge anymore. Plus, I am not sure if it is even safe, given the horrific odors contained within. Please, I beg of you, check the fridge to see if anything in there belongs to you, and get rid of it immediately. Also, as a side note, the dish soap and sponges I bought were meant to stay in the kitchen, so I am not sure why they have disappeared. I know we don’t get paid very much here — ha, ha! — but I’m sure you get paid enough to buy dish soap and sponges. Consider generic brands if cost is a factor.

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: Enough Already

Actually, I wish your mother did work here, that way she could find you and smack you across the face for leaving rotten food in the fridge. Just joking! Well, sort of. The smell from the fridge has gotten worse. One doesn’t even have to open the fridge door to notice it, it is that bad. The dishes are piling up in the sink because no one can wash their dishes since my dish soap and sponges were stolen. I don’t feel I should have to replace them. It was pretty generous of me to provide them in the first place. There’s a framed “Teamwork” print from Successories hanging in the kitchen for a reason.

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: The Refrigerator Smells Like Satan

I swear to God I heard growling coming from the refrigerator today. This is getting old. Whoever you are, be a man (or a woman) and get rid of the horrifically evil stench emitting from the refrigerator. I put a yogurt in there last week and I am frightened to try and retrieve it. If it is even there still, since it appears some people here can’t keep their hands off of things that don’t belong to them. Ha, ha! I need a drink.

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Susan

Re: I Hate Working Here

When the alarm clock went off this morning, I started to cry. I did not want to get up. I did not want to come here. But I did come here, because I need the money. And for reasons I am not sure of, I went by the kitchen and nearly dropped dead from the smell. I can’t take it anymore. I am planning to come back tonight after work, with my own trash bags and cleaning supplies, and clean out the entire refrigerator. Everything will go. I don’t give a crap how new it is. Hey, I’m used to cleaning up after others, just ask my ex-husband. He didn’t appreciate me either. Idiots!

To: Third Floor Employees

From: Steve Johnson, CEO

Re: A Sad Day

I regret to inform you that Susan Malloy from accounting was discovered dead in the third floor kitchen today. We’re not entirely sure what happened, but authorities suspect that she was cleaning the refrigerator with such vigor that it toppled over on her. What a shame. Susan was a good employee and she made a great chicken salad sandwich. I realize this is a hard day for some of you, so feel free to take an extra half hour off at lunch to mourn.

P.S. With Susan’s passing we are in need of a new kitchen monitor for the third floor. If you are interested, please sign your name on the sign-up sheet taped to the refrigerator. Thanks!