Letter to the Editor
Think of the future
Published Friday, April 25, 2008
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To the editor:
A suicidal person is only thinking of the here and now. Because they are hurting now, they are trying to make others feel bad. They know that when they commit an act to themselves, it will put a very negative feeling on all they leave behind.
They themselves do not hurt at all, for they are in some state of shock which is continuously penetrating. One thinks: If I was successful in committing an awful act to myself, I would not feel it. The hurt would be upon whomever I leave behind.
That feeling of rejection must be dealt with immediately.
We must show our love and respect for all and everyone despite our animosities.
Community Discussion
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i personally have no remorse for people who take (or "attempt") their own life. my sympathy extends to the loved one but not even that far.
it is selfish and a sign of failure. the flag sent up saying "i give up". and i have seen entirely too many people in this situation to think anything otherwise...
burninator---unless you've gone thru a loved one take thier own life as i have, i don't believe u have the right to judge,
Wow. Neither of you is even close to understanding this issue.
For people who are debilitated by depression, thinking of the future is the most impossible task in the world. The feelings of others are so far eclipsed by the overwhelming despair they are experiencing that “trying to make others feel bad” is the last thing on their minds. Most people contemplating, planning or attempting suicide are looking for relief, not sympathy.
This is not a simple issue, and the simple solutions you’ve offered are insulting to those who are experiencing depression. To address the issue and to actually help someone, you need to at least try to understand what they are going through.
"Neither" meaning Larry and Burn--
I am sorry for your loss, blacksweed.
imusuallyright.....i don't believe my statement offered a soulution. i don't have one. however i've had the opportunity to help another one, or at least try to. have u ever thought of suicide? if not, what makes u the expert that u seem to be telling us u are?
Wow, I feel kind of bad. I saw the headline, and all I could think about was "Back to the Future."
Mr. Titus's letter is rather abrupt. I would suspect he is reacting to some recent pain?
People don't start out self destructive. Having myself lost a loved one to mental illness, in the past, I offer my deepest sympathies to you, the survivor.
-RK
I gotta agree with Usually. To label a suicide or suicide attempt as simply 'selfish' or 'vengeful' is shallow and simplistic. Impossible to know what is really going on the head of someone going through a bad struggle. Often the victem is suffering from chemical imbalances, phobias, or emotional traumas that most of us can't begin to understand. Be slow to judge.
It's amazing how much truth can be contained in a wide variety of apparently differing opinions.
How can anyone make such a callous and thoughtless generalization about such a tragedy? Abuse, people living with debilitating diseases, constant chronic pain, the loss of a loved one,depression, tragedy that has befallen someone...all causes for people to consider the untinkable at one time or another. This is not a matter of greed or selfishness, it is an act of desperation. I am not justifying such an act, I am saying that such a callous and thoughtless response to an obviously hurting person is unthinkable. Burninator, next time think before you type, your ignorance is blinding.
Dear Mr. Titus, I'm not sure who or what this letter is referring to in particular, but I cannot believe how idiotic, ignorant, and uncaring it is. One of my best friends committed suicide on Monday, April 14, 2008 here in Fairbanks, and I certainly hope you're not referring to him. To all of you jumping on this bandwagon, shame on you. We should be discussing how to help others that are afflicted by depression, bipolar disorder, or any other factors that can contribute to suicide, not spouting ridiculous commentary purporting to understand a suicidal person's point of view. Absolutely ridiculous.
Mr. Titus--It sounds like you've suffered a loss. If that is the case, I am truly sorry.
AmGray19--I am sorry that you, too, have been hurt by this tragedy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and his family.
The pain from it for those who are left never goes completely away.
DTG 7/7/72-2/7/89
I can comment on this from the point of view of a suicidal person. When I was 13 I overdosed on pills. I obviously did not die, but let me tell you what I was thinking. I was constantly being sexually abused and being threatoned by a family member. I just wanted it to stop, I simply could not take it anymore. I never thought about what it would do to other people, I just wanted it all to stop.
Then when I was 18 I hung myself. That's right, I hung myself. The rope broke and when I regained consciousness I was mad to find I was still alive. What prompted me to take this action? Well, the shrink that I got to know during 3 long months of hospitalizations told me that I was suffering from major depression due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I wasn't trying to hurt anybody. I just simply felt like a piece of trash unworthy of living. I actually thought I was doing my loved ones a favor.
Now I have a wonderful life and I am so glad I did not succeed in killing myself. But I truly want you all to know that suicide is not a selfish act. In most circumstances you feel so desperate that you can't think of any other way to deal with life or you seriously think you are doing those that love you a favor.
It makes me sad to hear others talk about losing someone to suicide. I can hear the sadness in their words. It also makes me sad to know that there are people out there who right now feel as they have no other choice but to take their own life and if they read this letter it could help to push them over the edge.
If you know someone who is depressed, get help. There's no shame in getting help. If I hadn't got the help I needed, I would have missed out on a wonderful marriage of 20 years and counting and the spectacular journey of parenthood.
2bad4U, thank you for your perspective. You said things we never got to hear. I really do appreciate that. I am so pleased that you created a wonderful life for yourself, enjoy it to the fullest.
Larry says they are trying to make others feel bad because they are hurting now. Did he actually talk to a suicidal person that told him that? I don't think so. When you want to kill yourself your hurting and not thinking straight and all you want to do is end it.
Humans have an incredible will to survive. By instinct we do anything to stay alive, intentionally or not. Killing yourself is definately not selfish (unless you just murdered you whole family and are going to jail or something). You have to fight every part of your body to commit suicide. Not an easy decision, it is tragic, and it is just plain bad upbringing to bash people who have attempted suicide (successfully or otherwise).
2BAD4U i had been through similiar experiences and am proud to say that i too am now able enjoy a wonderlife! i have been able to realize now that the people i love would have been hurt very badly and i would miss out on all the great things to come. of course as i was then i was unable to look forward to the future ahead.i would never want my nephew or niece to see me that way. 2BAD4U i am happy that you were willing to share your story to give others insight... i envy that of you, maybe when my marriage reaches 20years i will be able to share more with my family than i have been able to. it still hurts sometimes but everyday i think of what a wonderful husband and family i have! so the family who knows or suspects suicide please don't hesitate to get them help!! do anything you can and even if that means taking them immediatley to the er and having them held if you think they are in immediate danger.
I have known five people who committed suicide. The circumstances in each case were unique, ranging from a new mother whose baby had died to a pair of suicides when I was in high school, two weeks apart, the second a copycat (and this was a small town; everybody knew everyone). In none of these cases was selfishness ever an issue. Hopelessness was the issue, though in varying forms each time.
I hope the letter writer and the initial respondent are rethinking their positions after reading the entries that have been posted here. 2bad4u, thank you for your honesty, your words might save a life today.
Suicidal feelings are nothing to be ashamed of and should never be treated so by others. But they do need to be addressed. If you or anyone you know is experiencing these thoughts, get help.
For those of you suffering from the recent loss here in town, I did not know the man myself, but I'm all too familiar with what you are feeling right now. You have my deepest sympathies.
nonpartisan - I personally know of two cases where suicide was used to "get back at" other people.
In one case, a young lady in college committed suicide in an attempt to get back at an ex-boyfriend who'd just broken up with her. Things discovered in the aftermath made it very clear that was her main intent.
In another case, a high school student was going though extensive disagreements with her parents and used suicide as a kind of final attack on her parents. Again, the investigation revealed that as her primary goal. (Child welfare authorities even went as far as investigating her parents for possible child abuse.)
I do not mention these to change anything that's been said above. Instead, I do so to reveal another aspect of the problem and to demonstrate that Mr. Titus is partially correct.
How can anyone say that people only commit suicide for one solid reason? there isnt one, there are hundreds of reasons, just like hommicide, or taking your cat for a walk.
Several years ago I met a woman whose daughter had hung herself with her shoe strings and died. The woman felt immense guilt because she and her daughter had an argument that morning. Did this girl do this to get back at her mom? I don't know.
Griff, I would just like to know how it was proven that those suicides were for revenge. How can anyone know 100% what went through their minds as they took their life?
Maybe the girl thought she couldn't live without her boyfriend... Maybe she felt alone and unloved.
As for the other person trying to get even with her parents, why did she feel the need? What else was going on in her life? Just exactly what proof did they have?
It has been my EXPERIENCE that people who go around saying "I want to die" or "I'm going to kill myself" usually maybe not always just want attention. These are the ones that say "I'll kill myself and show you". Attention seekers do not make real attempts on their lives, they make half-hearted gestures to get your attention.
Both times I attempted suicide, I told no one, I didn't even leave a note, I simply picked a plan and executed it. For whatever reason, I am still alive.
I had a teacher tell me one time that the majority of suicides happen accidentally. Someone may want attention but they take it too far. Now I would believe a suicide could be vengeful that way. But, I have met a lot of people with mental health issues and revenge just doesn't even come into play.
Please remember...
If someone has detached themselves from loved ones,
If somebody is just randomly giving things away,
If somebody uses words like hopeless, helplessness, worthless,
If someone calls out of the blue to say 'I love you' even if they sound strangely happy,
Or if someone has been sad and despondant and suddenly is very happy,
These people may be at risk or may already have a plan. Take a little time out of your day to be sure they're okay.
I was lucky but many are not.
In the case of the college girl, it came as a great shock to many people. She had several close friends and everybody thought she was taking the break-up reasonably well. None of us had any reason to think she might commit suicide and we initially didn't know why the dorm was suddenly full of emergency medical personnel and campus police.
She left a note that was several pages long and revealed an extremely jealous and spiteful side of her most people hadn't seen. Likewise, the letter she sent to her ex-boyfriend was filled with hate and was an obvious attempt to inflict emotional pain.
That was a little over thirty years ago. If it were today, based on recent trends, she probably would have murdered the ex-boyfriend before committing suicide.
Yes, I agree, she may have felt alone and unwanted. However, it was obvious to the authorities that she wanted to hurt the ex-boyfriend.
The high school girl was somewhat different. School administrators, teachers, and counselors, as well as the police and child welfare workers, were all aware of the ongoing conflicts between her and her parents. She had made several baseless claims against her parents and had also physically assaulted them a few times. As with the college girl, the note she left and steps she took before committing suicide indicated a strong desire to inflict emotional pain.
Again, this came as a surprise. Quite a few people expected her harm her parents, possibly seriously, some day. Nobody even thought she might choose this route. Her parents have said, in hindsight, that they should have recognized her suddenly cheerful and friendly attitude towards them was a warning sign.
That was also over thirty years ago. Today, the school officials and social workers probably would have realized she was suffering from mental illness and hopefully gotten her the help she needed.
I should point out that anger and a tendency to lash out at friends and loved ones is a possible symptom of clinical depression. It can be an expression of hopelessness or an attempt to drive loved ones away.
Again, I mention these solely as an additional aspect of a very, very complex problem. These actually represent only a small portion of the attempted and successful suicides I know about. Most of the rest are more typical of what you and others have said. (I think you can understand why I don't really want to try to count them all ... each has been uniquely painful for me and the total doesn't really matter -- one is too many.)
As you indicated, those who say something seem to be less at risk than those who don't say anything.
Griff, thanks for the added details, they cleared up my questions about your original response to my post before I even had time to ask them. Those are some important observations you've added to this conversation.
i really dont understand suicide. i have never been in the state of mind that would have me want to end my life. ive had some tough terrible times but i was able to get through them only because of my faith in Jesus and was able to hand over the major issues to him.
after reading 2bad4u and other posts i see where some want to go on and leave the world that they life in. im so glad that 2bad4u failed in her attempt to kill herself. its wonderful to see you in love with your husband and to be able to give life to a child.
i really hurt for the family and friends who have lost a loved one. i have had a couple of friends who have had family members commit suicide and there are no words that i can say to explain the hurt they went through.
i work with kids in a treatment facility and we are trained in suicide prevention but i have come to believe that we can never really know when one will try and take their life until its too late.
as Alaskans we have our work cut out for us as we lead the nation in suicides amoung men in rural areas. we have to see depression and attack it early.
peace
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