newsminer.com

Don’t know if ya’ll have noticed, but the last week has been a pretty busy one in the got’cha media. Certain stories seem to be taking precedence over others, for whatever reason. I realize that it is important to give front-page coverage to news of tremendous historical significance, but hey, let’s not forget the other big stories that have been in the news as of late. I’ve assembled a few of the ones you might have missed below:

Kleenex Corporation Boasts Record Sales

New York City — The economy might be in a bit of a slump these days, but don’t tell that to the Kleenex Corporation, which boasted record sales the evening of Tuesday, Nov. 4.

“It was amazing,” said Kleenex CEO Paul Venter. “Starting at 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, we sold more Kleenex in the next two hours than we have the rest of the year.”

Venter said that the increase in sales was literally nation wide, with the exception of the states of Georgia, Alabama, Montana, Alaska, West Virgina, North Dakota, Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Idaho, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Nebraska, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah and Wyoming.

Venter said Kleenex researchers are trying to indicate what exactly happened to cause consumers in the remaining states to rush out and buy boxes or packets of Kleenex during that specific time frame.

“Either a lot of people had the cold or a lot of people were crying,” said Venter.

Kleenex was not the only product to have a good night on Nov. 4. There was also a surge in sales of Visine and American flags, while the 1980’s group Kool and the Gang reported that their song “Celebration” was downloaded 10 million times from iTunes.

Dallas Mavericks Announce Name Change

Dallas, Texas — Citing recent hostile remarks towards the team from around the country, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said that the team was going be to changing its name.

“We’ve been a well-respected NBA team for several years now,” Cuban said. “But over the last month, people all of a sudden don’t like the Mavericks.”

Cuban said he has overheard “concerning” remarks directed towards the Mavericks as he traveled with them around the country.

“I was at a coffee shop in Portland and I heard some people saying how much they hope that the Mavericks lose. At a deli in New York City I heard someone else say that they didn’t think the Mavericks were the best choice for the country.”

“I don’t get it,” billionaire owner said. “What do people have against the Mavericks all of a sudden? It’s like someone came along and gave the Mavericks a bad name.”

Cuban said that the team’s new name would be the Dallas Change.

RNC Announces Charity Recipient of Palin’s Clothing

New York City — The Republican National Committee announced the name of the charity that will be receiving the $150,000 in clothing purchased for Governor Sarah Palin’s vice president campaign.

“After looking at many worthy charities, from women’s centers to the Salvation Army, we have decided to give the entire wardrobe to the Wasilla Chapter of the Hockey Moms Association of America,” said RNC spokesperson Bob Martin.

Martin said that they decided early on to select the Hockey Moms of America group, but the only question was which chapter would be the recipient. The RNC decided on the evening of Nov. 4 that the Wasilla Chapter would be the lucky recipient.

“We chose them because they were the newest chapter to join the HMAA,” Martin said. “They were so new that they were founded the evening of Tuesday, November 4, just minutes before we made our decision. So far they only have only one member, but I suspect they will grow over time.”

Scott McCrea is a local freelance writer who has been writing for the News-Miner for several years. He will happily take your comments via email at mccreas@ak.net.